I wonder if this project is pointless.
It doesn't feel artistic to be just replicating Mike's performance. People don't seem to be very interested in what I'm doing. And also La Mama changed venues on my yesterday because a children's theatre doesn't feel like they can perform on a set which will be very difficult to perform on. So we changed venues.
Of course, I am ok with this, and La Mama has given me too much for me to go around whining about it. But art is sometimes so fragile that something very simple can undermine an artist unintentionally.
It opened up another couple of wounds which have been festering... like why the hell haven't I heard from Mike?? Can I really put the show on without hearing from him? Is it ok to charge for the show? is $15 too much? What should I do with the money??? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM PERFORMING WHEN I AM NOT AN ACTOR???? I can't remember lines!!!! I'm rehearsing at the moment... staring into the darkness... paralysied with fear about the moment when I will be truly lost, where I won't know where I am or where I'm going....
All of this amounts to me feeling like I just don't believe enough in what I'm doing anymore.Why is this conversation important anyway? Let people go on living their lives, why is there a need to interfere? What do people care about truth and art and journalism? People care about their standards of living, they care about holidays, they care about getting pizza cheaply, they care about protecting their shit. They don't care about some quasi blow up that happened in America. They don't give a shit where there Iphones comes from, as long as they keep coming.
Anyway, by the way, for those of you coming on Sunday, the performance will now be in the Courthouse, which is at 349 Drummond Street.